on using madness to escape tedium

i was walking by the river (on my lunchbreak) and i reached the end where i turn around and walk back but first i stood by the railing and looked down the water at jersey. and the waves in the glinting sunlight danced like bathroom tiles do when you state at them for too long or with tired eyes--dance and shimmer with diagonal lines though ceramic squares.

seeing this i felt my heart surge and i searched the water and new jersey, hoping against hope that some hallucination, some hidden bulge behind my eyes would give me the impetus to fling myself over into the frigid water. not just to fling myself not knowing why, or out of hopelessness, but really a real reason, a reason that made sense to me to come leaping up through my terrified mind and make the plunge essential--something that would make drowning with cold shock or facing the ignomeny of rescue crews either inconsequential or completely without reality to my new understanding.

madness would free me, i thought, free me from the vectors of cause and effect that i know so so well, free me from the future that i build in my mind step by tedious step, bring about a new and more exciting world where my true place is not to be grasped and clung to but already won, floating free on the rise of a flood--rising and not knowing if i will fall, not being able to know.

no such excuse came, of course, and now i'm back at work, staring at this keyboard like a magic eye until the two fields of keys under my two eyes merge to form a new keyboard. the letters on its keys constantly morphing its highlights and shadows more intense it is more 3D and much more real than the original.