i thought i had pulled a muscle.
but over the next 6 months, the pain just kept getting worse and started reaching further and further down my left leg. it didn't respond to stretching, in fact it didn't matter what i did at all. it hurt when i would walk, causing me to change the way i walked and favor my right side. the worst when i was sitting on the subway. about 3 months into this, my health insurance kicked in and i went to the doctor. i was limping. this was on the upper east side, and all of the other patients in the waiting room were very very old. the doctor said, "young man, don't worry!" he told me to take asprin and make an appointment with a physical therapist. i took a long lunch and limped the 10 blocks from the office to the closest physical therapist. he tried to move my leg around but it hurt too much. he said that there wasn't much he could do to stretch the nerve, but that i should do some exercises to strengthen my abs. he said i should come back every day. the appointments cost $25 apiece with insurance. the pain got worse.
sortly thereafter i was at home after work (couldn't exactly go out and do stuff!) and it hurt so much i didn't know what was going on. i couldn't lie down, i couldn't sit down, i couldn't stand up, i couldn't think straight. i called the doctor. it was 11pm. the doctor said to call 911. they sent an ambulance. i had to buzz them in. they helped me down the stairs, i couldn't really move and almost fell. i didn't know what hospital to go to and wound up going to a crappy one. there was an incredibly drunk lady with an IV screaming about how she was going to fucking pee right here motherfuckers unless someone unhooked her and let her go pee. nobody came. i don't know if she peed or not.
i waited 3 hours shifting around sprawled on a plastic chair. finally a harassed doctor saw me. he gave me a percoset but refused to write me an RX for any opiates. the best part was that i got a hospital-issue cane. it was after 1 by the time i left and had to call a cab to get home. by the time i got home the percoset had worn off.
i went back to the doctor and he gave me an RX for extra strength vicadin. it made me mind the pain less. i kept going to work, what else could i do? i started eating 2 extra strength vicadin and 2 valium every day. the doctors, at least, weren't shy about handing out the pain meds because acute siatica is considered one of the most painful afflictions possible--its on the same level as fully body burns or road rash.
at some point, i composed the following poem:
You may find yourself with a view of the carpet. Just think!
That this has released you from all else
What mattered and seemed so much never was now,
and you may have: This view of carpet
or you may have nothing.
but the choice, isn't even yours!
and when you come back,
it will still be waiting.
see, the thing about siatica is that its a physical impingement at the bast of the largest nerve (besides the spine) in the body, which registers in the brain as a very high level of pain indeed. i remember wishing that i would just pass out. i remember that the pain would decrease and i'd realize that i was hunched over staring at the ground and that i hadn't been able to think while it was at its worst, that i didn't know how much time had gone by. at one point i was scrounging through my stash of painkillers unable to remember how many i had taken, unable to think well enough to weigh the risks of taking more. i decided to take more even if i died. I couldn't really mind, because the thoughts that would make one resentful, like "i'm a young man, this shouldn't be happening to me" etc didn't seem to have any meaning at all.
not like after the surgery, anyway, when i was recovering from that without the stabbing pain. that was lame.
and now i have it in the other leg.
1 comment:
i told my mother about this. she said, "well, does it hurt when you sit down?" yes. "does it hurt when you walk?" yes. "well this will just have to be your cross to bear!"
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